He's The G*ddamn Batman!

I just now finished reading All-Star Batman and Robin #6. Hey, I didn't expect it to arrive so soon, and I took my time reading it. So sue me! I've admitted in the past that I wasn't quite sure of this series; that I didn't quite "get it" and wondered if it was either some kind of crazy character experiment, or of ol' Frank was just screwing with us.

Now ... I get it. And it's fantastic. I get it, but I can't really explain it. It's strange like that.

Anyway, it's an amazingly enjoyable read, a great take on the character, and probably the most testosterone driven comic I get this side of Conan. I actually care if this thing is on time now.

I love The Goddam Batman. And he keeps busy:


Why, if he were a power card in a collectible card game?


I don't know why I thought of that.

Goddamn.

How World War Hulk *Should* End: Part Deux!

Hope everyone had a fun time at Comic Con! I wish I was there.. maybe next year. It looked like an "Utter Hoot!", as Mama Soup used to say. In particular, Bully had the cutest li'l story about his admirable search for Ms. Jane Wiedlin (Tagged here), who is also an old never-to-be crush of mine. Sorry, Bully.

Alright then! Fresh off the heels of Jonah Hex: Badass Week, let's get back to the basics with some badly photoshopped comics!

This joke was so good the first time, I thought I'd revisit it! Who knows?!? This may become a running gag for the entire series... Oh! And I see a new issue comes out this week! Whee! I have a plan now! 'Course this week also sees a new issue of Jonah Hex, so I got a choice to make....

Anyway in part II, the Hulk's anger continues, unsatiated...


Click for Hulk-Sized

I now have a folder in my "Scans\Temp" area labeled "Fruit Pies." That's funny to me.

Be even funnier if I move it into my "Pr0n" folder...

Jonah Hex: Badass Week - Addendum

OK, okay.. one more! Because No-one Demanded it!

Now with current events relevancy goodness!


Dear Mr. Hex:

As a former Georgia resident, dog lover, and long-time sports fan, I've been following the recent troubles involving Atlanta Falcons Quarterback Michael Vick and his dog fighting indictment with much interest. I seem to recall you yourself were once very acquainted with a friendly traveling canine partner, and was wondering what you feel would be a just and proper punishment for Mr. Vick, should these accusations be proven true.

Sincerely,

Mr. Folded Soup, Esq.



Dear Soup Fellah:




Yep. Seems fair ta me.


Happy weekend, everyone! Hug your doggies!

Jonah Hex: Badass Week - Finale!

My great love for the Jonah Hex Showcase volume should be obvious by now. Go buy it. Seriously, it's one of the better Showcase collections, and some of the best hard-core western tales you'll read and ... for the cheap! To me, it represents the definitive Jonah.

Meaning: Badass.


Modern day Jonah Hex fans can find his tales being spun in the current monthly Jonah Hex series. This series is the first one since those olden days (no) to really (Hex didn't happen) try to fire (It's a lie) some new life (Didn't happen) into the old (*MahMahMahMahMa....* Not listening...) character. It's fantastic. But after spending a week reading those old stories, it is a bit different. But still fantastic, make no mistake.

A few differences I've noticed:

In several stories of the recent issues of modern Jonah Hex, Hex will find out that the bounty he filled was actually for a good guy who was wrongly framed and the bounty placed on him by said framer. He then takes it upon himself to right that wrong (usually at the behest of victimized maiden) and go after the guy who originally put up the bounty.

The old-school Jonah would never do this. He's not a hero. Actually, he's kind of a dick. Badass yes, but a dick. And he's been paid. The job was done, it's not his place, and most of all: He would never A) Double cross a paid bounty (mentioned several times), and B) Go to that much trouble without a personal slight or payment. Payment being the big decider.

There are also some stories where Hex comes to a random town (not to deliver a bounty, mind you), and notices something wrong. Maybe a corrupt mayor running the town for his own benefit, maybe some criminal hiding out .. whatever. Hex then takes it upon himself (again, usually at the behest of victimized maiden) to clean up the town.

Old school Hex? Wouldn't happen. Moving through. No money, nothing personal, no stake.

And of course, there's the often mentioned villainous plot device of rape in the current series. To me, it's not a problem if it moves the plot along realistically - and if it's used sparingly, which it isn't. If I had to guess, I believe it's used to justify the rationale for Hex to forgo bounties, money, vendettas in order to do the right thing ... you know, all the things that Make Hex Work!

Beh.

And that's my biggest complaint of this new series: It's trying it's damnest to paint Hex as some kind of good natured roguish bounty hunter. He ain't. Understand this. He's a Badass killer for hire. He's efficient, driven, greedy, a major asshole, destructive, and most of all Selfish! And I mean "Selfish!" in the classical sense: "My needs above all else. Always." Do nothing if it does not benefit me.

Trying to change Hex from the selfish anti-hero to the roguish actual-hero really bothers me. Mind you, it's an asshole badass hero they're going for, but they're still pushing the hero button. Hex is not Han Solo. Hex is more along the lines of Lobo or Sabertooth (Ug.. I actually shuddered at that comparison...) Hex is a Badass selfish bastard. Let's keep it that way.

That's the biggest difference between the Showcase old-school Hex stories and this new incarnation, as far as I see it.

That said...

I freggin' love the new series! Don't get me wrong based on the above - these are some fantastic stories! I routinely will get that same, "Oh, Crap! Hex is gonna slaughter the whole town after that!" feeling, and love the pacing to the unavoidable finish when Hex kicks the crap out of everyone. The art's fantastic, too. Hasn't been a misstep in that area at all. These are mighty fine western stories and, easily in my top 5 weekly lookin' forward to comics in general. You should read.

I re-read a bit of the new series for this, and was re-impressed. Some examples of what I call Old-school Hex from my favorite issue, #5:




Hex arrives. Hex destroys. Bounty pisses him off. Goodness.

One Final Badass Panel:


AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *whew* AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

HEX!! BADASS!

Well, I hope you've enjoyed the very first Theme Week here at The Want List! I'll try to do these sporadically.. or when I get bored with Photoshopping bad jokes. Or whenever.

Tomorrow: Possibly an extra. Now that I've re-read the current run, I think I have one more... maybe. Depends on how the bars treat me tonight... Later!

Ah, Just One More Thing, Sir. (Oh, Crap.)

Jonah Hex: Badass Week will continue after a few words to introduce an observation....

I'm a big fan of the detective show Columbo. Man, that's a great show. The murders are pretty well thought out, there's a palpable sense of tension, and it's real fun watching Columbo slowly unravel the crime until you're sure he knows who did it and you're just waiting for the trap to spring. What makes it even better is that you know who the murderer is from the beginning - the show starts by showing you the crime and coverup as it happens. When Columbo shows up to ask his seemingly insipid questions, you - like the murderer - find yourself asking, "Where's he going with this?" The whole thing is watched from the murderer's point of view; Columbo comes and goes, but the focus is on any additional work the murderer does to try and cover his tracks. Great show.

After watching enough episodes and the subtle, expert unraveling Columbo does to any murder coverup, no matter how devious, I started to empathize with the murderers. I mean, they never have a chance from the moment Columbo first shows up. I watch them kill their victim, go to great pains and elaborate schemes to cover it up - mis-direction, red herrings, phony witnesses, bogus recordings - thinking they've gotten away with murder. Indeed, a lot of them should have, their plots were so watertight. The police arrive to investigate, take statements, establish alibis, sample clues and then they refer you to the chief investigator.



Were I the villain, knowing what I know, this would be my reaction:


Crap! Fuckin' Columbo! I'm so screwed.... Aw, man!

"Alright, Columbo. I'll save you some time: I killed her then wedged her in the car and drove it off the cliff. I probably left a button there. Or a handkerchief. Anyway, that phone call I made at 10:35 was phony, as I was at the docks pushing my wife into the drink. Can I at least say goodbye to my dogs before I go?"

Of course, the murderers never react that way - part of the point of Columbo is that he appears scatterbrained and inept and wholly unable to untangle your devious web. He's fairly anonymous, not really worth noticing, and presents absolutely no threat to solving your crime at first meeting. They don't know him, therefore they don't know they're doomed.

But ... when you realize you're in the gunsights of well-known Badass Jonah Hex? Well, that's a different story....

(We now resume our regularly scheduled programming)


Ol' Jonah is a pretty well traveled guy. He has a reputation that borders on mythic. If you hear your name in the same sentence as Jonah Hex ...? Well, you're in for a world of hurtin' my friend. There are very few stories where Hex actually brings in his bounty alive - and those are paid bounties; nothing personal. God forbid you actually get on his bad side to the point of making it personal.

Let's look at that sinking feeling when you realize it's Jonah (Badass) Hex you've pissed off. And you know exactly what that means.
























Watch your step, Y'all.

Tomorrow: Let's close it all out with the Badass current run!

EDIT: Would'ja believe that Photobucket removed my Despair pic immediately above? Dang exposed nipple!

*Sigh* Reposted now with censory goodness.

Jonah Hex: Badass Week Yet Again!

No Most Wanted this week because, even with a new Frank Miller's All-Star Goddamn Batman and Robin it's still not Badass enough to interfere with Jonah Hex week!

On with Day 3! Let the shootout begin!





Yahoo news is announcing that a Jonah Hex movie is on the way. Eventually. You know how these things work. From the writing/directing team of "Crank," it's said to be not a straight-ahead Western, but instead gives the character some "supernatural overtones." This could go either way, I think. It would really worry me if they decided to give the character some "Science-fiction overtones," knowhutimean? Wait and see, hope for the Badass.

Coincidentally, Mike Sterling over at Progressive Ruin also gives us his thoughts on the movie announcement and in a much more thorough way than I could, I should add. But you're no doubt already reading his blog, so you know this.



As long as I'm outsourcing the entries today, allow me to also refer you to The Good Doctor at Polite Dissent and his fantastic medical explanation for Jonah Hex's scarring. It's a real, honest to Badass scarring that makes actual medical sense. And, as I always suspected, his disfigurement could be easily repaired, even with the medical knowledge at the time. But, anyone who really thinks about it will realize that the scar is not a mere physical pretense. Jonah must forever bear that mark. Doc goes into that a bit, too. But you're no doubt already reading his blog, so you know this. And that he uses Britney Spears to demonstrate the whole thing, which is the funny.



And now ... More Badass Hex panels!

Jonah Hex!

Knows how to delegate the labor!

Jonah Hex!

Lawyer!

Jonah Hex!

Budgets his money!

Jonah Hex!

Hates salesmen!

Jonah Hex!

(You already know how this one ends.)


Choose wisely!
(Badass.)

Jonah Hex!

Will knock you and your brother out using your other brother!
(That is one particularly Badass panel, right there...)

Jonah Hex!

Is secure in his masculinity!

Jonah Hex!

You will like his cooking!

Jonah Hex!

Understands current social issues!

Jonah Hex!

Don't even think about it. Seriously.

Tomorrow: Jonah Hex?! .... Awwww... Fuck!

Jonah Hex: Badass Week Continues!

Welcome to part II of The Want List's very first theme week where we're taking a closer look at that surly, hard-drinkin', no-nonsense, gun-tootin', ugly polecat...


Know ye well, fellow travelers, that even though ol' Jonah was always a badass, he did still manage to show us his softer side every once in a while: A kindly word spoken here, a secret donation to the local whorehouse there, killing a doctor who wouldn't give the orphanage the necessary medicine... In fact, at one time he even had a sweet li'l doggie that traveled around with him. A cute, cuddly li'l thing that would playfully nip at your heels and roll over to get his tummy scwatchy-watched.

Just kidding. He had a Timber Wolf. Named "IronJaws."

Hex inherited Ironjaws from a dead Indian child who died in his arms. He tagged along for a few years (judging by his longtime appearance in the Showcase collection), and was a great companion / plot device. There were several real cute moments involving this canine killer with a heart of gold, and he came in quite handy at times, like when say... when Jonah falls asleep three feet away from a rattlesnake:

Ironjaws kills the rattler, but gets mortally bitten in the process. Jonah, horrified, calms and reassures his loving partner with the soothing words that only a kindly pet lover could relate:

Awwwww.....

Jonah saddles up and races Ironjaws to the nearest town and to the nearest doctor. Upon seeing the wolf and the rugged stranger who brought him in, the doctor refuses to treat the beast. Besides, he's already tending to a patient - a human patient, naturally, and certainly that takes precedence over some mangy wolf! Jonah retorts by appealing to the doctor's compassion with a stunning display of wit, logic and reason previously unseen before:

The other patient, clearly upset at having to give up his place in line for treatment, hobbles to the nearest saloon to rat out Jonah to a couple of guns simply named "Butcher and his brother." And with names like that, they're obviously soon-to-be outraged members of the American Medical Association. Or P.E.T.A.

Turns out Hex killed their other brother a while back and they see this as the perfect opportunity to get even and bushwhack him by hitting him so hard his head explodes:

They tie Hex up, lash him to their horses, and bring him for a scrape through the desert where they beat on him a bit. This just makes Jonah mad, because ... well, he's a badass! And, as Butcher's brother puts it, "That's because Jonah is tough! R-E-A-L tough!" No shit.

They get pissed, knock Jonah out again, and taking a page from the never-fail villain rulebook that says, "Do not simply kill your nemesis when you have him prone. Devise some death trap for him so that you can leave him unattended and free to pursue more villainy," they tie him spreadeagled in the desert to die from exposure.

(Foreshadowing Ahoy!)

And he probably would have, too, if it wasn't for that mangy dog:

If that doesn't hit your over-the-top heroic dog moment button, you have no soul. Me, I heard the music swell and I think I teared up a little. (*sniff*)

Sadly, because the plot demands it, Ironjaws dies (*sniff*) which prompts Jonah to almost say the first kind words he's ever said about the wolf (Ever. Seriously.) before he remembers who he is and what's his business:

With all recognition to Dave Campbell:

"FUCK YEAH!"

I'll let y'all in with a little foreshadowing here: Butcher and his brother will not last the next three pages.

Hex heads back to the Doc, who's scared spitless that Hex will take Ironjaws' escape out on him. But Hex just wants water and firearms because, "The general store is way over the other side of town An- Ah'm in a hurry!" Badass.

Meanwhile, B&B have robbed a bank, hired a stage, and rode it out for several days until they were sure no one could follow them. Repeating: They thought they killed Jonah "Badass" Hex with a walk-away death trap, but even if he did survive, he certainly couldn't follow them at this point. Stooopid formulaic soon-to-be ex-villains....

Hex blocks the stage with a large tree, and when the stagehands get out to clear it, he removes them from play. In the confusion, Butcher's brother, who is by this time known as "Dan," gets shot and Butcher himself escapes into the desert with Hex on his trail. But before Jonah can finish the job, B gets jumped by a mountain lion.

And because we can't let the telegraphed ending be denied, Butcher manages to shoot the lion, but not before he mangles his legs:

Hands up if you think ol' Jonah is gonna take this guy to a doctor.... Anyone? Anyone?

(Actually, the lion had rabies and doomed Butcher to several hours of an agonizing death. But, as it was pointed out by the good doctor over at Polite Dissent, that's not quite the way rabies works. I can only assume this bit was added to show that Jonah really only had two options: A) Mercy killing and 2) Let him suffer. Guess which one he chose. Badass.)

Finally, if you didn't see this neatly cyclical ending coming, then you weren't paying attention to the dialog when Jonah was in this same situation.

Neat. Nice and tidy. With the promise of steak.

I chose to writeup this particular story (Weird Western Tales #14, “Killers Die Alone”) for a few reasons: It's very well done, it jumps through multiple plot changes, I have a strange love-hate relationship with tragic doggie stories, and overall, it's a great Jonah Hex story. Grim, ugly, driven, an unstoppable badass - you get a good feel for what works with the character here - it's pretty representative, overall. But, most of all, this one builds to one fantastic, "Oh, Shit! Jonah's gonna fuckin' Destroy somebody!" moment right in the middle. His (though he never says it, you know it's true) beloved wolf is mortally injured, he gets bushwhacked when his guard is down, tortured, left to die, and survives only at the cost of said wolf... The Shit's Coming Down! And Hard! Really, my only complaint is that the buildup was so well done and the peak so high that I would have loved for the retribution in the 3rd act to stretch out a little longer. We all knew the outcome was forgone... let's delight in the journey for a bit. Still, one helluva fantastic Jonah Hex story.

Tomorrow: Hex: The movie? Plus! What's up with that scar? And ... more badass panels!

Theme Week!

Welcome to The Want List's first attempt as some cohesive content! That's right, it's a theme week! Yay!

Sitting around the campfire last weekend gave me a lot of time to catch up with all those spiffy DC Showcase books I have lying around. That's some good reading, right there! And, as much fun as the wacky Silver Age fun of the Superman books are, and even though the groovy hipness that is Metamorpho really rocked my socks, man! I was really enjoying a completely different type of book. Maybe it was my rustic, lonesome campfire, maybe it was the old west wilderness I was in ... but for whatever reason, I just couldn't put it down.

So, for the next few days, I hereby dedicate The Want List to....


Jonah Hex The baddest badass that ever assed a bad. Or something. This guy comes to your town, watch out! You're very likely to be caught up in the inevitable crossfire. God help you if you've have raped any whores recently. When Hex comes to town, there's a half-way decent chance that town won't be there tomorrow. You don't want to be on his bad side. You don't want him on your trail. You don't want to know him. Hell, you don't even want to hear his name mentioned. Bad. Ass.

How BadAss?
  • Jonah Hex likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.
  • Jonah Hex doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
  • Jonah Hex defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Jonah Hex loves you.
  • Jonah Hex does not go hunting because "hunting" implies a chance of failure. Jonah Hex goes killing.
  • Jonah Hex lost his virginity before his dad did.
  • Jonah Hex doesn't need to shower. Dirt is too scared to touch him.
  • Jonah Hex once killed 182 people with only six bullets.
(Heh. Where would we be without internet clich├ęs...)

Jonah Hex ...

Invented the ray gun. With his fist!

Jonah Hex ...

Don't thank him. Pay him.

Jonah Hex ...

You're gonna need more than 20 men. Trust me.

Jonah Hex ...

I told you so.

Jonah Hex ...

Ladies? Don't even try it. After he's buried all his bodies, he's movin' on.

Jonah Hex ...

Answer his damn question.

Jonah Hex ...

Has no use for dames.

Jonah Hex ...


Does not like the suburbs.

This really is a great collection of hard-ass Western stories. Even aside from the Jonah BadAss factor, the stories are just well layed out, paced wonderfully, and truly riveting at times. And the western art is just fantastic. You really get a feeling of desolation, desperation, and well, just "Westerness."

Tomorrow: You do not come between Jonah Hex and his dog. Bad things happen. Very bad things.